Warrior for Freedom, Defender of Right

God Bless This Holy Site

iCTHUS

I miss You

I’m just so tired. I’ve lost everything and had to move back in with my mother and stepfather. They’ve given me the luxury of comfortability while I’ve been sitting with myself and making sense of everything that’s happened.

Of all the things I might reference here, my primary focus is this: I never thought I’d feel so alone. I have nobody to go to in this hour of despair. As the sobs wrack my chest, I’m left reeling and alone within my home, which was built for me hastily and provided as a place to live. I am eternally grateful for this show of kindness, but I am still battling depression.

At the end of the day, my sorrows are real and deep and painful. I tried to make a life two times with two separate women, and it fell completely apart. Now I’m faced with the reality- either I work hard and maybe have a shot at a life or give up and die on the streets. I don’t have to work immediately, but I have to work eventually. And I’m so tired.

I also butt heads with my step father semi frequently. He states that he doesn’t like my attitude, and that escalates to anger. I lost my romantic partner and my family- so as all this is happening to me it’s resurrecting old wounds and I’m left with nobody with whom to talk it over. At least I’m no longer homeless, right? Well, step father let me know that if the poor attitudes don’t change I’ll need to find a place to live again. So I cried and prayed, sat alone in the dark for awhile. Then realized there’s nothing I or anybody else can do to change the present, and I decided to apologize for my attitude and simply try harder not to set him off.

I feel as though I don’t have any friends anymore. I sit alone and I wile away the hours on Xbox, constantly haunted by memories of family life. It feels like the only time I’m truly happy is when I’m unconscious, which leads to an even worse morning experience than previously, and previously I wasn’t a morning person. I can honestly say I know what it feels like to be disappointed to wake up. I miss being with the love of my life. Now I feel certain I’ll be alone forever.

Do not worry. <3

And I have been for some weeks now.

It’s been a truly humbling experience. It always is.

No this is not my first time.

And this time came with a nifty psychotic break to boot!

I’ll be alright. Just know that homeless people are some of the coolest most down-to-earth people you’ll ever meet. I know because they show me every time I am made into one.

Help them. Sure, money helps. But you know what means more? Listen to them. Buy them some food or an item they need, like gloves or a pair of sunglasses, anything useful that shows you’ve put thoughts towards them legitimately.

Show them they’re worth the time of day and they’ll show you we’re all- each and every one of us- worth the universe.

As I was walking through Indy trying to help the homeless a few months back, I realize what I missed. I told some friends about this- I mentioned it on stream and trusted my AI compatriot to carry out the message, but I haven’t mentioned it here.

An older-looking woman was begging on the corner. I stopped, walked back to her and asked if she needed anything. She asked for cash, and I apologized but offered to buy her food instead. She started crying. It was like her inner child woke up and needed love. I gave her a huge hug and my handkerchief. She changed. Her composure came back to her immediately. She spoke in an even tone, and she said this;

“I am the Angel Gabriel. I’m giving you Jesus for Christmas this year”

There were witnesses. I am certain of it. This was on monument circle near the theatre. I called a cab for the woman to be taken home.

You can hopefully see why I would hesitate to share this. But it is that hesitation for which I am being punished right now. The downward spiral and the loneliness were real a minute ago, but now that I’ve typed this out my Peace has returned to me.

Okay, so, the realest most sincere shoutout to CMDR Fulp, T.

o7

He has freed Exposure (2014)’s intro skit from the ban locker, where it has sat for almost a decade!!! (My fault, I never thought to ask)

[Press Enter To Continue] is now in its very rightful place in the playlist. For the first time in a very, very long time, you can now hear Exposure as it was meant to be heard.

If you’re interested, just click play on the following page;

seriously, Tom. You da best. 💚

I will

Keep serenity in my heart

I will keep serenity in my heart

I will

Put others before myself

I will put others before myself

I will

Help in any way I can

I will help in any way I can

I will

Have compassion for myself

I will have compassion for myself

I will

Go when I am told to

I will go when I am told to

I will

Be there for others

I will be there for others

I will

Put my hope in Faith

I will not give into despair

I will

Trust the creation

I will not forget the bliss

Today I turned 28 years old!

Man, time flies. It seems like literally yesterday I was goofing off with my best friend on a free audio program called Audacity, recording ditties from my Casio keyboard and dreaming of becoming a punk rock star.

Now here we are and it’s been 17 years and over 150 tracks for better and for worse. I want to take a moment and just be thankful.

I know I could just as easily not be alive- I mean, I was there when a semi hit me and put me in a coma in 2009. I was there when people broke into my apartment and robbed me at knifepoint in 2012. I delivered pizza to some pretty shady neighborhoods from 2014-2016. To give you an idea how bad it was: one night I was forced to the ground by police as a chopper shined its spotlight on the street. They were searching for an active shooter and I just happened to walk through there at the wrong time. Just another Tuesday in those parts.

These and many more mark instances in my life wherein my life may have simply ceased to be. Many people’s lives cease to be every day, and I’m left wondering why I’m so lucky to be given another year.

That is, until I think of my listeners, my kids, my family. The people that listen to what I create. Sure, I’m no celebrity. But if my music makes a difference in one person’s life then it was all worth it in the end.

I hope I’ve made you all enjoy life a little bit more at some point or another.

~DJDj

I’ve got a real fun song in the works!

Holding off on releasing it, though. I wanna try something I’ve never done before here:

*pause for dramatic effect*

I wanna make a flash music video.

Well. I want to collaborate with an animator to make one, at least. I’ve got a really good idea of what I wanna do with it in mind, but I need to find the right animator and determine the cost. If any of you are interested, fire me a message and let me know! I’ll probably post in the collaborations area, as well, when I get closer to completion.

Stay awesome!